Cinco: The Trade-Off

Happy Halloween! Logan was dashing tonight as a little firefighter. Gosh I love this kid! He was so excited to knock on the doors and say "twick or tweat"! After receiving a few pieces of candy he yelled, "I got it, I got it!" Ah, holidays are 10 times the fun when you get to watch your children enjoy them.
Anyways, life is chugging along. The predicament I find myself in is this... How do I put myself out there when my time is consumed with motherhood and work? I basically have 1 free night each week, which I typically spend at the gym or at a friend's house. It's not that I don't want to be "out" there, but being "out" there means I have to give up my time... which usually translates to my time with Logan. And what does being "out" there really mean? What measures of desperation do I need to take in order to be deemed as putting myself out there? Should I have to give up time with Logan to make time for the potential possibility of finding someone? And what if I do find someone? Is it possible to balance them on the side while feeling that I'm able to give my all to Logan? Or will I inevitably and constantly feel selfish? That my desire for love has to be a trade-off for my desire to be a mother. Does it?

2+2=4

I'm about to snooze on the couch while Logan naps (gotta love Sundays) so this will be short and sweet. A phrase keeps popping into my head and I'm positive there's a reason behind it. I know that this time in my life is difficult. Definitely not ideal or part of any plan I would have drawn up. God created us and instructed us to marry and have children, which is exactly what I want. So this in-between stage is starting to drive me bonkers. But I know there are lessons I need to learn and changes I need to make. Needless to say, I've been a little preoccupied trying to figure out what those lessons are. I have to admit, a BIG part of me is pleading with God that I'll learn them quickly so that I can get on with life and most especially, so that Logan can grow up in a loving family. It dawned on me today that I've been in such a rush to learn, grow, experience, and "find myself", that I've been going about it the wrong way... by myself. But this is the phrase I've found repeated in my head several times over the last few weeks, "there's a fine line between finding yourself and losing yourself". I think I've discovered that the difference between those who 'find' and those who 'lose' depends on the amount of faith and the amount of yourself you're willing to give to Heavenly Father. There's a quote we read in Relief Society today from the new Relief Society book, "Daughters in My Kingdom", that struck several chords within me. "The average woman today, I believe, would do well to appraise her interests, evaluate the activities in which she is engaged, and then take steps to simplify her life, putting things of first importance first, placing emphasis where the rewards will be greatest and most enduring, and ridding herself of the less rewarding activities." (Belle S. Spafford, A Woman's Reach) Here's to new direction and a renewed faith that all things will work together and my "happily ever after" isn't just a dream.

ThReE

I had an epiphany today as I contemplated how difficult it is to fall out of love with someone. No matter how hard you try to distract yourself and occupy your mind with other, less satisfying emotions... Recovering from a broken heart is akin to learning how to walk when you've been walking, even running for years. A major step, no leap, backwards. And while the encouragement and support from those who love you helps, it is something you MUST do on your own. No one can walk for you. No one can lessen the pain. No one can fill the emptiness. No one can force it, not even me. This sucks.

# Dos

Hmmm... I'm eating dinner (citrus lime pork chops and asparagus - YUM!), at 9:15pm on a Tuesday night. I'm telling you, it's an exciting life I lead. :) Tonight was, in Logan's words, AWESOME! He was so much fun. I'm not implying that he's not fun all the time, but tonight was different... or maybe I was different. I love his zest for life, his quirky little behaviors, and it always amazes me how smart he is and how fast he catches on to things. Exhibit A - I taught him to say "I'm awesome!" tonight and within 1 hour he was using it in the correct way and with the proper exclamation in his tone. Exhibit B - I held up a piece of asparagus for him to take a bite and he said "spargus, yum"! You might be saying to yourself, "geez, that's nothing", but to me, it's everything. It reminds me that I'm not failing, that I am teaching him, that he listens and learns. It is so easy to get discouraged... to fear - "How is the divorce going to affect him?"; "How can I lessen the pain, confusion, and sense of loss that he's sure to feel at some point in his life?" Even though I've heard over and over, "it's better that you separated when he was so young, that way he won't know the difference." But he will know the difference and although I'm sure those words are uttered with good intentions, just as "I'm sorry for your loss, I know how you feel" are thrown out at a funeral, they do nothing to ease the burgeoning fear of what is to come and how I can best explain our situation without it affecting him in a negative way. But it's moments like the ones that took place tonight... when we're wrestling on the couch, when he yells "I yuuuuuvvvv youuuuuu!", when he repeats a new word, when I can almost see his mind working as he absorbs every part of his surroundings, when he giggles at the simplest things, when he plays my monkey and latches on to my torso so tight that I never want him to let go... yes, it's moments like these that remind me how special, how strong, how smart, how loving and sweet this little 22 month old boy is and how blessed I am to be his mother.

#1

First of all, welcome to my new blog. Hopefully some of my day-to-day experiences and random thoughts will, in some way, mean something to someone. If not, here's to the use of blogging as a back-up therapist -- Cheers! I've decided to title each post as its chronological number rather than try to sum up my hodge-podge of thoughts into a 2-4 word title in hopes that it will entice you to read on... so here's #1...

I've been pondering the thought of writing a book about the last 2+ years of my life, not to be published, but because writing is how I communicate best, even with myself. It helps to put my thoughts on paper, helps me gain a greater understanding of why I think and feel the way I do. Knowing this about me, my therapist has suggested time and time again that I start a journal, "even if it's one online" she said. Similar to every other task she has lovingly suggested, I regret to say that I've put it off. So why am I here now? Good question. We had a wonderful service in church today, with talks about having hope and a Sunday School lesson on praying and having faith. On our way home Logan fell asleep and I was alone with my thoughts for a few minutes (nice little gift of time). I received a gut-wretching feeling (yes, I just said gut-wretching) that it would be in my best interest to write down my experiences, thoughts, feelings, highs and lows...full exposure! I had to stop using the excuse that my life is boring, that no one would ever read it and I'd feel lame for even writing it in the first place. But I realized that I'm not doing this for anyone else but Logan and me. In reality how many people will my simple blog impact?? Maybe 2 or 3 at best. But I believe it will help me become a stronger, more self-assured and independent woman and most importantly, a clear-minded, patient, spiritually active mother.

And so, here I am! Flaws and strengths, happy times and sad, crazy busy and bored and lonely, you'll read about all of it. I often look at my very talented and creative older sisters and wonder how that gene skipped me, but who knows... writing might be creative outlet... we'll see. I hope, for your sakes, that it remains interesting. :)